What I Need…

Musings # 3: You’re Going To Be Fine

It’s been a rough couple of weeks…as you might have been able to tell from my most recent post.  Further, in an effort to do some much needed saving of funds, I have gotten rid of cable and have resorted to watching various TV series I have on DVD.  One of these is a show from my High School days, Felicity.   I came upon this one scene and I felt like it could have been me in Felicity’s position and as pathetic as it is…I really needed to hear Noel’s response.  Even if it wasn’t legitimately given to me, personally,  I needed to hear something like this.  From someone, even if that someone is fictional…

Felicity:
Have you ever felt like there is no solace in anything?  Like wherever you turn you’re just lost? I have never felt so lost in every conceivable way before…

Noel:
See this really awful thing just happened and it left a dark cloud… hovering.  And it’s made you feel like you are weak and vulnerable, but you are forgetting something very important: you are forgetting who you are in the equation.  Because you are this really strong and independent and beautiful woman.  So before you let yourself get caught up in the drama of the moment, you gotta know you are going to be fine.  That you are going to be more than fine, you are going to be great.

Stop

Dear Me:

I think we need a pep talk mixed with a healthy rant.  Here goes:

I know that right now, things are hard for you.  And the funny thing is, hard times are never like you expect.  It’s summer again, marking the one year anniversary of leaving D*.   This time last year, you essentially walked out on all you knew for your entire adult life.  You knew leaving would be tough and you were bracing for the worst,  but instead, when you looked up from your fetal position, you found an abundance of love and support surrounding you.  Things weren’t as bad you anticipated.  Instead you found that you were actually smiling, laughing and felt genuinely happy for the first time in a very, very long time. It was as though a weight had been lifted and you finally could be yourself.  It was relieving and empowering.

Yes, admittedly, last summer was a blast. There were countless fun events, unanticipated late nights, romances, moments of bonding and touching closeness with friends- all while learning to enjoy your new found independence. That’s not to say the Summer of 2012 wasn’t speckled with many moments of sheer grief and overwhelming feelings of loss or confusion, but overall, the love and support that surrounded you helped to bring you right back from the depths of depression and difficulty in no time.

Why is this year so much harder?  Why is it that after a full year of learning and adjusting, you feel so much more alone, hopeless and angry at the world than ever before?  I know sometimes you think it’s just that your luck has leveled out.  Perhaps it’s time to come down from the high of this independence and freedom roller coaster. But really, I don’t think so.  I think that in the midst of all the fun and excitement, you have had your fair share of difficult moments- the seemingly endless nights, loneliness, overwhelming confusion and heartbreak from romances gone wrong- that make the good times even out.

So honestly, I don’t know why you are in this spot.  They say everything happens for a reason; maybe you need the learning experience.  But learn what?  To hate life? To feel life inevitably circles back to shit?  That eventually you will be depressed, lying flat on the ground again with no where to turn?  To learn to not trust people?  Like at all. Ever.

But what a sad existence is that?  You don’t want to live like that-always on the defensive.  Although, hell, right now there are moments that I know that you are not certain you want to live period.  This is not to say that suicide is ever a legitimate thought or option, but being hit by a bus doesn’t always seem like the worst thing that could happen lately.

That’s how you know things are bad.  While you would never actually attempt self harm, I know that many days you could care less if you happened to be mowed down by a Mac truck, stung by killer bees (if they even really exist?) or accidentally drove into a tree.  You’re just so drained and tired.

Tired of holding yourself together all the time. Tired of searching for meaning in everything and waiting for moments of clarity or complacency to make it all worth while.  Tired of explaining yourself and your decisions and more than anything- your feelings.  Tired of all the judgments and opinions masked as questions:  “Why are you so sad/not taking time to yourself/not happy/not dating/dating so soon/partying so much/being immature/so thin/so bloated/not exercising/not eating right/not drinking tonight/not coming out with us/talking to that guy with the girlfriend/talking to that guy who was a dick to you/not talking to anyone/not writing anymore/not taking this new start to move away?.…and on and on and on.

Everyone seems to have their opinions and stance on exactly who you should be and how to live your life.  Maybe that’s partially your fault.  Maybe, in the throws of all that love and support and bonding, you began to rely on the ideas and opinions of others more than you should have.  And maybe some people took advantage of this-I mean who doesn’t have their judgements or an opinion on how everyone else should do things?  It’s always easier from the outside looking in.

Perhaps what all of this means is, it’s time for you to be quiet.  Or as the infamous blogger Jenna Marbles says: “pipe the fuck down.”  Take a lesson from Psych 101: you can’t control other people, only yourself.  And lord knows you yourself are far from quiet;  famous for your sass, sarcasm and otherwise big mouth as one of your most salient features. Let’s start a quieter precedent for yourself.  Stop and listen.  Listen to your thoughts.  Listen to your heart.  And stop keeping so busy all the time.  Instead  wait and see what you can hear in the whisper of the world around you.

At the very least, it’s worth a shot.

“Take a breath and listen
Open up stop pushin’
All that you’ve been missin’
Standing in front of you”

10 Ways Guys Can Step Up Their Dating Game

Like I was saying…

Dear All Prospective Men:

Since April, I have pushed aside more casual dating and decided that perhaps it was time to be more serious–read: look for a long term relationship instead of a hook up.  However, just as I had a harsh reality check for my female friends in one of my previous posts, I now have several similar “tips” for the young, single men of the world.

Instead of simply bitching, I figured I would shake things up and use some of my favorite “SomeECards” to write a more visual and sassy letter to all of the prospective men, both past and present.Without further ado….

Dear all Prospective Men:

Reading is sexy.  Even if you don’t read on the regular, the fact that you do read some thing, sometimes, like ever, is important.  It makes me more confident in your ability to hold a conversation…and presents the idea that you are more likely not be a closed minded bigot.  All pluses in my book.

I am a huge animal lover and my two dogs are my everything.  I have generally found the best kind of people are those who also love animals.  If you aren’t into animals, I feel like part of your soul is missing.  Also, I need someone who isn’t going to care that I am constantly covered in dog fur. 

Do you realize what you are saying half the time?!  I really don’t want to hear about your car and the ridiculous amount of money you put into it,  the level you reached on World of Warcraft or the a play by play of the Knicks game last night.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to have hobbies-quite the contrary, I look for a man who has some sort of hobby.  But, if I tell you I don’t follow sports or I don’t know anything about cars, I don’t really want to talk about it for an hour.  My “How was the game?” question was merely a pleasantry.  By the same token, not being able to hold a conversation at all, is equally as frustrating.  Bottom line: learn some social conventions on how to hold a mutually involved conversation.

See previous comments above.  ‘Nuff said.

ATTENTION!  ALL MEN!  You should note that grammar and spelling–even while texting–is more important than you think. I’m totally judging you when you spell things like “cudnt” or “sumthin” or use the wrong ‘their/there’/they’re. It makes me wonder if you are simply uneducated (no thank you), or can’t be bothered with the effort (also, no thank you). Man up and write spend the five extra sentence to write a fucking sentence correctly.

Start spouting about Jesus and the coming of Christ, or “thou shalt obey thy husband” and it’s off.  I am not saying that anyone I date has to mirror my religious beliefs completely but, I simply cannot be with someone who is over zealous when it comes to religion and wants me barefoot in the kitchen.  Stick to your Christian Mingle sites please. 

Ignore me, and you might as well delete my number now.  I don’t play games and I don’t chase.  It’s rude to not return messages after a certain amount of time and contrary to popular belief, it does not make me want you more.  Instead I see you as incompetent, unstable and unreliable.  Not exactly qualities I’ll be looking for in my new relationship.

On the contrary, don’t push me.   One date does not make us exclusive.  After one dinner, or even two, I have still not made up my mind about you.  I. hardly. know. you.  And vice versa-have some self respect! I know it may seem confusing–don’t ignore me, but don’t pressure me–but simple rule of thumb: treat me with the same level of respect and attention you would a good friend. I’m sure you aren’t all up in your friend’s business all day(i.e. sending 500 texts an hour), and I’m sure you return his texts in a timely manner.  Do the same for me, please. Easy enough, no?

In my post Notes From the Field I wrote about how women need to be more decisive.  Same goes for you with the ‘Y’ chromosome.  Be a man and make a fucking plan.  Put some legitimate thought and effort into it and figure out a place to take me.  If you can’t figure it out, ask your sister/best friend/female coworker/mom, and fake it.  Shhh…we’ll never know.

Lastly, if you think I’m asking too much this is my response to you:

Thank you, and have a nice day.

I Didn’t Write This, But I Could Have:

And So It Goes…

This scene from the classic Woody Allen flick, Annie Hall, only proves that clearly dating has not changed, if not ever, at least since the 1970’s…

Lawd help me, I have had this same “conversation” so many bloody times…

One Year Later…

And still confused…

Storm Warning

I’ve been living under a blanket of grey skies
Worried that all life is , is a string of lies

But the rattle of the rain fades
As my mind brings me to sunnier days

That July day was bright and warm
I never did anticipate the storm
There was so much love and laughter
But in came the clouds, faster and faster

You call me a joker, but I never would have counted on us being over

Believe what you will, but I gave you all I knew how to give
Is it so bad that now I want to live?
To feel all the feelings I once denied
I wish I could do it with you by my side
Is it a shame to have given up on my foolish pride?
But something stirs deeper inside

I need more, I need love, I need me
And we truly have been all that we can be

So with a kiss, let me send you packing
I only hope the next one can make up for all I am lacking