30 Things I’ve Learned This Year

In honor of Separate Ways turning one-year-old, I’ve constructed a list of the most important life lessons that I’ve learned over the past year…

1.  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.  Don’t fight it. Don’t think you are the exception.  Ever.

2.  There is a big difference between party friends and real friends.  The thing is, you can’t spend all your time rehashing the drama and details of your life.  On the other hand, when you think about it, sometimes the people you spend most of your weekends with don’t know you beyond your killer dance moves and shot-taking abilities.   Both are necessary, but don’t confuse them.

3.  Speaking of friends, your friends will surprise you.  There are people you never imagined being friends with, who will become some of the most precious people in your life.  And some who you thought would always be there, won’t.  It’s not always anyone’s fault, some relationships aren’t meant to last forever.

4.  Everyone has “the one who got away.”  It’s inevitable.  But remember that it didn’t work for a reason.  Keep the memory close but move on.

5. There is no such thing as a “Happy Ending.”  You know why?   Because the only ‘end’ in life is death.  Life is not a movie; time goes on.  Things change.  People grow and evolve every day.  There is a certain sadness to this, but there is also a certain beauty.  Focus on the beauty and focus on the present.

6.  Black is not inevitably the most slimming/flattering/appealing color on you.

7.  Just when you think you understand yourself and what you want in life is exactly when you will become the most confused.  Don’t sweat it.  You’ll circle back to solid ground soon enough.

8.  Karma is a bitch.  Not just to your asshole ex or that bitch in high school, but to you too.  We have all had our petty moments and done something we aren’t proud of.  It will catch up to you.  Just remember your mistakes do not define you. 

9.  Your parents really are your best friends.  They are on your side even when you think they aren’t.

10.  Only date nice guys.  Let him treat you like the princess you deserve to be treated like.  But don’t stay with him just because he is nice.  You’ll feel guilty for dumping him, but it’s the right thing to do.

11. That guy that you have gotten together and broken up with a million times…you have broken up with him 15x for a reason.  Remember that next time he texts you out of the blue.  Because he will text you out of the blue…right when you start to forget him.

12.  Everyone has an opinion.  Always.  Ignore it.  Even the good ones.  Except Mom; listen to Mom.

13.  No one escapes love unscathed.  Love is an anomaly.  Love is the epitome of irony.  It has the power to give you the greatest joy and, at the same time, the greatest hurt.  Love and relationships are made up of two people.  And since no two people are perfect, no relationship is perfect.  This means that even in the best, lasting relationships, you will still be hurt.  You will still end up with emotional scars.  It’s the nature of the beast.

It’s the most madding, beautiful, magical, horrible, painful, wonderful, joyous thing in the world, love – Taylor Swift

14.  You are not Miranda Lambert.  Miranda Lambert isn’t even Miranda Lambert.  If she did half the shit she sings about she’d be incarcerated.  Snap out of it.

15.  At least one of your guy friends wants to bang you.  Probably more than one.  Some probably want more than to just bang you.  Don’t let it happen.  If it does, don’t let go of the friendship or let it get awkward.  Your guy friends still are the best kinds of friends.

16.  Travel is what feeds your soul.  Take every opportunity to travel.  Even just for the afternoon.

17.  Turning 27 has really wigged you out.  For the first time in your life, you can feel your youth slipping away.  You feel like 27, is basically 30.  But it’s not.  So enjoy it.   Follow this advice from famed author/screen writer, Nora Ephron:

“Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six.  If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don’t take it off until you’re 34.”

18.  Trust in The Universe.  The Universe doesn’t make mistakes.

19.  Your Facebook page is NOT:  your diary, an AIM away message circa 2002, drunk-proof, blocked from your mother.

20.  You are only 27-years old.  You are Y-O-U-N-G.  Your youth is the the time to makes mistakes and take risks. You don’t have to be perfect all the time.  You don’ t have to constantly be achieving something.  You don’t have to have it all figured out.  Let go of your inner control freak.  You have lived a completely calculated life for 26 years and where did it get you?  21. Watch the alcohol.  It’s a sneaky little bastard who is really isn’t your friend no matter what he says.

22.  The prettiest person in the room will not always be the prettiest person in the room.  Beyond bad hair days and weight gain, age and life itself takes a toll.  Besides, beauty, in the conventional-societal-sense, is not the end all or be all.  So, don’t waste your time being jealous.  Your personality is the shit and that will only get better in time.

23.  It’s ok to have regrets.  Saying you should live with ‘no regrets’ is bullshit.  Total, fucking, bullshit.  Just don’t dwell on your regrets.

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets- Arthur Miller

24.  Don’t invite two guys you are dating to the same party.  Ever. 

25.  At your core, you are actually an introvert. (Click and see #’s 2,3,8,13,14, 18, and obviously 22)

26. Your heart is not truly as hardened as you believe.   This is evidenced by finding yourself  crying in the bathroom of every wedding you have attended in the last year… and your secret Pinterest wedding board.  Eventually you are going to have to realize this and open yourself up to love again.

27.  Never pay more than $20 for sunglasses or earrings.  You’ll loose them or break them in a month, tops.

28.  Stay away from the guy with the girlfriend.  No matter what he says.

29.  The happiest people are not the thinnest, the wealthiest, the most successful, the smartest, or even the most beautiful.  They are the people who appreciate the smallest moments of happiness and comfort in everyday life.

30. Your ex might win this divorce.  He may truly screw you over.  So what?  It’s not the end of the world.  You have the rest of your life to rebuild and be happy.

REGARDLESS, Cheers to the future.  I’m still so far from where I need to be, but nonetheless, so far from where I came.  Here’s to another year of self-growth and discovery on my journey to becoming me.

One Year…

It has always been a BIG bucket list item of mine to create and maintain a blog for at least a year.  I have tried this in the past (there may or may not be half a dozen unattended blogs floating around) and it has never lasted more than a few months with a post here or there. Like many endeavors, it begins with a lot of zealousness and then peters out with the rhythm of daily life. 

This blog has been different.  This blog has been something that I have consistently worked hard at and a year later, I couldn’t be happier about the final product.  I’m so proud of myself for committing to my writing; to maintaining some form of creativity and self-expression. For those who have read, thank you and thank you for not burning me at the stake with your judgements.  Although it’s minimally read (which is more than the number of zero readers I anticipated), the process has been cathartic and a safe space to explore my inner feelings.  

Cheers to Separate Ways lasting longer than the marriage that perpetuated it!  (Bazinga!)

This Monday Morning:

Keep Breathing

It’s that feeling that you don’t fit in
Not even in your own skin
Everywhere you turn for comfort, ends up a dead end
So you just put on a smile and pretend

Sleep eludes you
Happiness escapes you
Reason evades you

You are losing yourself with each breath that you breathe out
Droplets of yourself absconded through your silent shout
Floating through the world unknown and alone
Never so lost and empty; hope sinking like a stone

But for now, the day is finally done
Climb into bed
You still feel nothing
But you’re not dead

“It’s been a year and a day since I talked to you”

Friday’s typically have me all riled up with excitement for the weekend.  This Friday is different.  It’s sleepy and quiet today in the office, with many of my coworkers scraping together the last of their summer vacations.

The bad news is that this has left me with entirely too much time on my hands to think.  And it has brought me back to last summer.  Which was brought up by this song that came on while I put my entire Spotify library on shuffle.  It had me thinking of exactly where I was last summer.  I was with him.  A year ago we spent this whole weekend together:  dinner date, sleep over, a drive to the beach and a Sunday drive to a (semi) local brewery. 

It was the height of our summer romance.  It was when I thought maybe all we really needed in this life was each other…

Sigh.  Cheers to nostalgia…

Remember last summer when we had the chance
To find each other, start makin’ romance?

It’s been a year and a day since I talked to you
I don’t know how I made it, but I sure have been blue
Every time I think of what might have been
I jump in my car and start ridin’ again

And I can’t find no true love, oh, baby, it’s so hard
And I still think about you every time I’m ridin’ in my car

Fade Away

Anyone who knows me, or at least even follows me on any social media, is easily aware that summer is my absolute favorite time of the year.  True, I am a die hard Christmas fanatic, and I easily can find myself enjoying the perks of fall in New England…but Summer, to me,  is usually three glorious months of perfection.  Warm weather and sun (it’s never too hot for me), the clothes (dresses!)  the lack of coat (freedom!), the flora and fauna (read: flowers and greenery), summer romance, county fairs & street festivals, farmers markets, swimming, outdoor concerts…I could go on.

Today is exactly half way August.  About this time of year, I begin to panic:  Summer is almost over. I haven’t accomplished all I wanted.  Soon it will be cold and blustery. Soon I will become a slave to coats and boots. And of course this is perpetuated by the fact that the stores now have their Halloween Christmas decor on the floor already.  Right about now, I usually find myself very consciously enjoying every last bit of summer to the fullest.  I’m usually fighting anything fall related before the start of that pesky month that begins with an “S” and ends with an “eptember”.  Before I have to start succumbing to golden leaves, pumpkins, shorter days and eventually hibernation.

This year is different.  This year, I’m almost already feeling ready for fall.
Say what?! This is so not me.

Let’s be clear: this doesn‘t mean that I’m ready for cooler weather.  I’m not thrilled with any prospect of chillier airs, and, like every year, I have my fingers crossed for an Indian Summer.  That said, Summer 2013 has not treated me well.  It fell quite a bit short of my expectations and really, I’m just ready to change seasons so that it might, in turn, perhaps change my mood and also my luck.

When I look back to April or May, I had such high hopes for the summer months.  Tons of fun, carefree nights, the pool, beach, long weekends away, tennis, summer romance-maybe even a romance that would last beyond summer…basically summer usually brings me ubiquitous happiness and joy just by being summer.  That didn’t happen this year.  Instead, I got my heart broken in a more than brief fling that left me stinging well past when it should have, there was friend drama galore (at 27 years old? c’mon guys…), I’m still more broke than before, I hardly went swimming, I didn’t get my much valued and needed vacation and I feel more confused and lonely than ever.  Hell, I don’t even have a G.D. tan.

What. the. fuck.

Perhaps I should clarify-particularly for myself-that there were, in fact, many super fun times.  Five concerts (and still two more to go), four of which were outdoors (your fave) and three of which were free (lemme repeat: free) and VIP seats.  You also made it to nearly every one of the free weekly outdoor concerts your town offers- an event which you covet and count down to come spring time.  There have been a handful of late nights dancing at the local hang out with groups of friends, BBQ’s and random events like meeting Jay Chandrasekhar, a hot dog festival you stumbled upon with your bestie in Philly and some surprisingly rewarding days at work.   Really, you can’t complain.

But I will.  Because I still feel gypped.

Maybe it’s the selfish, entitled generation that I come from.  Maybe it’s because I’m looking at last…er past…summer’s and comparing (and we all know comparison is the death of joy).  Or maybe it’s because this summer truly was more of a dud than not.  I suppose realistically, not every summer can be AWESOME.  Not every summer can be a whirlwind of love and laughter and sunshine and rainbows…

Am I asking too much? Is this what my generation has done to me? 

I mean, when I say it out loud:
… “Man this summer really sucks- I never even got a vacation” I hear myself sounding so entitled that I want to barf.
… “I didn’t meet anyone/fall in love/find my soul mate/have a summer romance- what a let down” I sound completely out of touch with reality and immature as all hell.  So immature, that I’m probably better off not in a real relationship.
…”Dude, we hardly ever went out and partied so hard that we had crazy stories to laugh over in the morning” I sound like I’m still 18 and/or someone in need of an intervention.

So why do I still think these things and feel such a let down?   And how do I make them go away? Is the fact that I didn’t have a random summer fling, had to work through the summer and not get crazy with my friends all the time, actually self-growth and maturity in disguise?  In retrospect, last summer, there was rarely  two nights in a row in which I didn’t hang out with someone and booze it up- to the point where I think my liver was about to boycott my body.  My girlfriend’s and I spent most of our time piecing our nights together, laughing over our drunken foolishness and either pining or bitching over our latest summer romance.  Not really the face of maturity or stability and in no way what, at 27, I should be striving for.  So why was last summer such a blast and this summer feel so lame?  Because on paper that’s all super terrible and I should be way more mature and grown up by now.

Then it hits me: maybe I am more mature this year.  Maybe that’s why things are boring.  Maybe I am officially a grown up?

So, the question becomes:  Does maturity have to equal boring?  How do I restore a balance of boring and adult?

The truth is, I have no idea.  Right now, I am more lost than Amanda Bynes trying to find her way out of her own 5-1-5-0 hold.  All I know for sure right now, is I’m hoping for steadier days ahead.  I am hoping the fall finds me in a better place and brings me some peace of mind and contentment.  Because these waters sure have been rocky for a while now; smooth sailing could be a nice change.

“Things are never as they seem. A person. A mark. A statement. They are always deeper than we perceive, like walking in the ocean and suddenly dipping under the surface because the bottom has disappeared beneath your feet. The water appears shallow until you are suddenly flailing around beneath the surface, desperately searching for stable ground once again.”
― Kelseyleigh Reber

The State of My Life…

Ever feel like you are doing alright…but in a weird way, you are ok, but not okay?  I’m feeling more balanced and clear headed than I’ve been in forever, but yet, something is still missing.  I am still sad.  I am still lonely.  I am still lost. 

How does that even make sense?

Anywhere But Here

Today, when I close my eyes…

…I am somewhere with the whisper of the ocean beckoning me.  I can feel the warm breeze, smell the salt and hear the waves crashing. Laying face down on a plush lounge chair, my fingertips lazily drag along the soft, pink, sand.  I am drifting in and out of sweet consciousness as I bask in the welcoming glow of the sun.

…I am feeling my skin prune and stray, damp hairs cling to the nape of my neck as I lean against the cool porcelain tiles.   Even the tiniest of my movements slosh the water in a deep, claw foot tub.  Soft melodies and the voice of Ella Fitzgerald croon gently in the background as the candle light flickers across the wall.  I am alone and at peace in this room of solitude and relaxation.  I wiggle my toes, blow a tuft of bubbles off the tip of my nose and breath in the smell of lavender as my muscles truly unclench for the first time in years.

…I am clinging to the arm of my seat on a tour bus and absentmindedly pat my side, where my passport sits safely in a pouch, under my clothes.  As we traverse a bumpy road to our next exciting destination, my anticipation swells. Looking out the cloudy window I see an expanse of landscape that, in and of itself, is breathtaking and awe inspiring.  I silently watch the people we pass and try to piece together a sense of what their life is like.  Despite minimal sleep, I am awake and alert as ever with adrenaline coursing through my veins.

…I am listening to the sweet trill of the birds as my body sways side-to-side, safely cocooned in a hammock. Above me  light slices through the trees haphazardly creating a canvas of green and gold.  The air is nearly still but my body sways in my suspend nest of cotton and twine as my book rests lazily on my chest.  The smell of fresh cut grass lingers and my lips purse around a straw to bring up the fresh iced tea I have in my glass.

…I am in the dark of the night and a fire flares before me.  The heat is just enough to chase the chill of the midnight hour.  I pull the fleece blanket draped around my shoulders closer and watch the fireflies light up the skies over the surrounding field.  I nurse the remainder of my chilled beer, as I listen to friends chatter.  Animated stories and laughter ring so loud and full of emotion, it almost seems to be what keeps the fire ablaze rather than the wood itself as the flames dance with as much exuberance as the glee surrounding it.  My tummy is full with s’mores and grilled food, but my head is light and dizzy with love and laughter.

…I am in a plush hotel room with no worries, no plans, and no clothes.  Next to me slumbers the love of my life and my heart swells at the thought of him.  I relish in our skin-on-skin contact as I sink further into the thousand-thread count sheets and he, sleepily, plants a soft kiss on my bare shoulder.  Draping an arm over me, he pulls me closer and we both drift off into a mid-day slumber just as the afternoon light slices through the tiniest slit in the heavy drapes.

…I am in a world where I am loved and life is kind.  No one knows my my history, or my mistakes.  I am only me as they see me; I am free to come as I am.  I am accepted and understood.  I no longer need to justify my actions or my thoughts and put other people ahead of myself.  I can be me, and that is enough.  My regrets and the pain that has made it’s home deep in my core, for so long, vanishes with each breath in the, dewy, morning air.  In this world, life is not the constant struggle against the current, but rather the slow and easy drift down the stream with all the stunning sights along the way.

I am anywhere but here.  I am in a dream.