The Right Fit?

It’s a simple, yet complex question; who am I?  For most people it’s as simple as saying your name, geographic location and possibly a benign hobby or two.  For me, not so much.  I am an anomaly of a personality.  True to my Gemini birth sign, I have many conflicting traits and habits.  And, my life has had so many twists and turns and convoluted outcomes that, at 28, I am exhausted; feeling like I have lived too many lifetimes in the less than thirty years that I have graced this Earth.

…So no, I am not “Sally” who lives in the same town she was born in, is engaged to her high school boyfriend and enjoys fixing up their newly bought home in the suburbs.
….I am not “Ashely” who is single but wildly attractive and sought after with her glistening eyes and golden hair, but prefers to work her 70 plus hours a week at the law firm where she is trying to make partner.
…I am not “Tracy” who lives, sleeps and breaths fitness or Kim who centers her entire life around her children and marriage.
…Nor am I “Christie” who, at 40 years old, still likes to party like she is 20 and maintains that being perpetually single and childless is the key to happiness.
…I am not the indie chic; the movie buff; the super chef who cooks for all her friends; the struggling artist; or the ‘J.A.P.’ who brandishes her new Mark Jacobs bag like it’s the holy grail.
…I am not thin but I’m by no means fat.  I don’t feel as though people see me as impossibly ugly, but I highly doubt many would consider me highly attractive upon first glance either.  I’m not incredibly smart but I do have a masters degree so I can’t be terribly stupid.

I am all of them.  I am none of them.  Some days I get so overwhelmed when I think about how I don’t know who I am or where I fit in there or the grand scheme of life.

I feel like my whole life I’ve walked this line: The “I’m not this, but I’m also not that.”   I excel at nothing but I also fail at nothing.  The notion of not having an actual identity, of having nothing to own as solidly ‘me’ seems to have followed me forever.  I do not fit anywhere.  

So who am I?  This I know:

I err more or on the side of dorkdom than coolness.  I love writing, jazz and Disney and NPR and feminism I get a little too excited about any major holiday.  But as much as I love jazz, I like terrible pop music too.  Britney, Taylor, Miley, Madonna- I shamelessly love ’em all. 

If I love a movie, I can watch it over and over again and will definitely recite the movie the all the way through.

Sometimes I get so entrenched in books, movies or, on occasion, a TV series, that I will feel like the characters are real.

I love the smell of lavender, cigars, and libraries and my childhood home in the summer.

I hate chocolate but you could feed me pasta or bread all day long and I’d be in heaven.

Sometimes I drink too much. It’s true that alcohol can be an unhealthy coping mechanism I have acquired, but and most of the time it’s because I’m simply careless and really enjoy the taste of wine and margaritas and my friends.

I can’t cook anything other than breakfast and grilled cheese.  But I could take you to some of the best restaurants around and I will try just about anything.

I’m not very clean, but yet, some of my biggest comforts in life are making lists and establishing any kind of organizational system.

I hate outward displays of emotions, but I’m sentimental and save everything that might remind me of a memory

Traveling is my passion.  I love meeting new people and learning about different cultures.  It’s when I feel the most alive.  But, I’m simply not interested in camping unless you mean in a fully outfitted RV.

I sleep with my baby blanket and I will until the day it physically disintegrates.  It’s disgusting and unattractive and  I could honestly care less; nothing brings me more instantaneous comfort.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.  I have had many moments I am not proud of. I have memories that make me cringe when I recall them.  I have put my trust in people who did not deserve it and likewise, I have betrayed the trust of others, even if unintentionally.

I have been up and down the roads of love and I’m ready to start over.  I’m ready to begin again, this time, hopefully, as an adult and with more self awareness and leaving the bitter taste of divorce behind.  I’m ready to feel real, raw emotions and live life with my mind and heart open.

I’m not perfect; I mess up and have my speed bumps, and I’m still learning that that’s all just part of life.

I am still figuring out where I want to live, and what I want to do with my life.

Maybe for the first time in 28 years, I’m ok with this ambiguity.  After all, everyone knows it is practically a law of the universe that once you think you have it figured out, something will happen to make you question all you thought you knew.

So, I am just me.  I am a work in progress.

And so is Sally and Ashley and Tracy and Christie.

We all are.

We are all masterpieces, unfinished, and in motion until the day we die.


Necessary Today

This is my skin that I’ve never fit in
I was born the queen of nowhere
Well, this is how it begins
I wonder is this your life
Were you raised in deep water
Are they pushing you down
Are you gonna push harder

I want to know who ever broke you
I want to know how you can grow bigger
Don’t go looking for some kind of rescue
You are the only one who can save you

We are, who we are more than our scars
We are, who we are more than the sum of our parts

Confessions of a Perfectionist

You know what’s dumb?

…The fact that I have not posted here since December.

…The fact that I have over 50 writings saved to ‘drafts’ that I am too afraid to post because they aren’t “perfect”

…The fact that I am that concerned over what I post, when in actuality no one even reads this.

So that is going to change.  Since this blog is a ghost town anyway- which it was more or less intended to be, I suppose- I am going to start publishing a lot more.  Some of it will be rambles. And I’m sure a it won’t be good.  A lot it might not even have a proper ending (*gasp!*).  But who cares?  It’s time to start getting those juices flowing. And what good are those drafts all doing sitting there in the draft box?  So no more of that. It’s going to be no holds bar here.  Only post-ity, post, post.