a : an interruption in time or continuity: break; especially : a period when something (as a program or activity) is suspended or interrupted
This weekend held the final straw for my dating sanity. A series of events with a series of guys I have been involved with in some capacity or another, at some time or another, seemed to all come out of the woodwork at once. My head is still spinning and my heart reeling.
It has made me realize that in many ways, I am completely out of control when it comes to men and dating. I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what to look for. And beyond that, I am continually finding myself in situations where I either have no genuine interest in the person I am with or I am overrun with genuine feelings for someone who I cannot have or is unhealthy for me. And therefore, perhaps, it’s time I take a break.
I spent a lot of time in the car this weekend, as I had gone out of town. Driving back, I had a very clear and poignant memory.
Almost exactly a year ago, I went to a yoga class downtown in the city where I now reside. The thoughts of leaving my marriage had finally moved from the back to the forefront of my mind. The urge to leave my husband was beginning to incessantly harp at my heart, becoming harder and harder to ignore.
Traveling from our suburban home and into into the city, I couldn’t help but take a moment and stare at the quaint brownstones lining the street, and wonder what life would be like to start over and make a life for myself with one of them as my home. This series of thoughts continued and morphed into desire. Even during my, usually, mind-clearing yoga practice, I found myself fantasizing about starting over, having a space of my own in one of these cute apartments; moving through daily life on my own without anyone to answer to. While logically I knew some of this scenario was seriously romanticized, I couldn’t help but longingly wonder how much happier and healthier I could be having my own space, forming a routine that included mindfulness, organic eating, yoga and learning about myself.
Going home that night, I drove right past my house instead of turning into the drive way, as the sight of the house brought on a full fledged panic attack. Pulling into the Starbucks around the corner, I tried to steady my breath. I wanted to do anything but go home as I was haunted by the thoughts running through my head.
How could I ever leave? How could I walk away from everything I have built in my life- from my relationship to my home. How could I ever explain my feelings to D*? How could I ever tell him that I didn’t really love him. I could never hurt him like that…
Eventually, I pulled it together. Went home, and as usual, acted as normal as possible, slipping into bed with a quick peck on the cheek for another long night of fits of insomnia.
Looking back, it’s funny how I existed in that mental state for months, but overall, most of it is a blur…a blur until one, little memory, such as this one, creeps into my mind. It’s also ironic that at that time, as much as I wanted that life, I couldn’t fathom actually ever walking away from my marriage and starting over. I honestly didn’t believe I had it in me. And here I am, one year later-living that life. Living on my own, with my two dogs, in a cute little brownstone apartment in that same city.
Of course life isn’t as glamorous as the fantasy from that day (shit, I don’t even do yoga anymore). However, in the midst of this memory, while I am proud of myself for finally stepping up and making the move that needed to happen, I also realized that just how far I was from the calm, healthy, self-clarifying scenario I envisioned last spring. Between the shitstorm of male drama and the resurrection of this memory, I realized that maybe, that’s what I need to start striving for. Maybe I need to take a break from the guys and the dating and the parties and put all the attention and focus on me. On becoming a better me.
Hence my decision for a hiatus from dating. A male-detox of sorts. Time that will solely be about me. About getting to that healthy, healing place. Because right now I am far from healed. Far from healed from my divorce, from my recent romances-hell, even from the scars of adolescence.
So, I am formulating a plan. Details to follow…
For the first time in very long time, this morning my alarm went off and I was not wrestled from the throws of a deep sleep. Instead, I was already in that semi-awake state. Before the soft pattern of theiPhone alarm rang, I was very conscious of my two pups snuggled against my side, the light streaming through the window and the warm comfort of my down quilt. Considering how exhausted I have been, it was a glorious thing to reach waking time and not be frantically running a mental debate on what I could put off before leaving (showering? necessary? nah.) so I could snooze more .
Needless to say, I bounded into the office in a sickeningly good mood. When someone asked me why, at 8am, I was so cheery, I realized that I really didn’t have a solid answer. Nothing super great has happened (other than it’s Friday). But still, I almost don’t even need my coffee this morning. The more I thought about what was making me so happy today (not that I’m fighting this good mood), I realized I was (finally) content, even just for this moment or day, with the little things in my life. So, I suppose I could take a break from the ranting and review some of the things that have contributed to my newfound euphoria
* The Month of March. It’s not the actual month. I actually loathe March more than any other month because there are no (paid) holidays, and it’s generally still winter-ish when you just want it to be friggin’ spring already. However, today it felt so good to flip that calendar from February to March. First of all, it was an exciting notion to close the chapter on this past month. February was not kind to me. Too much drama. Too much heartbreak. Too many emotional dilemmas. I’m ready for a new month and new opportunities for more positivity in my life. Additionally, not only is it one month closer to the warmer months, but I have a ton of fun things lined up for the coming month-parties, road trips, concerts, birthdays, you name it! Annnnnd my super adorbs office calendar depicting my favorite animal, pigs, has a great picture for the month. Boom.
*Threaded Bliss. For me, there is nothing better than having a new outfit to wear. It’s brainless, it’s fresh and you always feel better inside and out if you think you look like a million bucks. Today I am sporting a brand new purchase (which is rare these days as money is super tight). I adore this silk, flowy, Banana Republic blouse that my mother treated me to on an impromptu, lunch-hour, mall rendezvous the other day. It just adds to my fresh start/feel good feeling today.
*Work. Yup, that’s right, my job is actually adding to my happiness. Crazy right?! Let me clarify. While I would love to have the day off, I’m actually super caught up at work, which is a great feeling. And above anything else, I love, love, love my coworkers. I am genuinely lucky to work on the team that I do. We laugh every. single. day. We are highly inappropriate. We care about each other. We are just awesome. It honestly gets me a touch choked up when I think about the support and love I feel from them. It has been an absolute godsend in the wake of my divorce, as work can actually be such a safe haven for me. Anyway, moving on from the mush-zone, it’s also Friday and Friday’s are the most fun because we are all antsy for the weekend…not to mention tonight we are going to a BIG Happy Hour together.
*Great neighbors. In a similar vein, my neighbors rock. I am so freaking lucky to have some of my best friends living right around the corner. They are going to take care of my dogs so I don’t have to worry about running home. And they do this a lot. I am not sure how I would live as a single dog mom if I didn’t have them…
*My Face. Since the summer (incidentally, since I left D*), my face has been constantly broken out in manner far worse than I ever even experienced as an adolescent. It can seem trivial, but anyone who has had moderate to severe acne knows how embarrassing this is. Particularly as a grown adult. Who is dating. Just the last week or so it is finally clearing up. Or at least it’s clearer than it has been in months. I’ll take it.
*Payday. Enough said.
*Weekend Plans. Friday’s always rock, but it’s even more stellar knowing I have a full weekend of awesomeness lined up. Happy Hour with my amazing coworkers tonight. Then meeting my mother and some family friends for post-dinner drinks closer to home. Saturday brings sleeping in and then catching up with a good friend while pre-gaming before we head out to meet the rest of the 13 people we went on a beach vacation with last summer. Sunday, I have a coffee date with a good friend and then a date, date with a boy.
BOOM. Good mood and GO. Reasonable reasons or not, I don’t care. I’m going with it and riding it out as long as this train allows.