Courage…

 

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Dear Diary

Today, I’m all fired up.  It’s Friday and it’s been a helluva long week.  So, naturally, I am in the mood to rant.  I got my bitch pants on and I’m not holding back.

Dear Students:  I know it’s my job to help you, but please go easy on me.  Your incessant demands and snotty attitudes are wearing thin on my patience and sanity.  Also, if you call and leave me a message, I will get back to you, just perhaps not within three minutes.

Dear Weather:  You suck.  I am very grateful that we were spared the wrath of Hurricane Sandy, but the constant gloominess and dropping temperatures are enough to make me not want to leave my apartment.  Like, ever. (Actually, that may not be a bad idea)

Question: What’s more fun?  Being in the ever-confusing and mind-altering time known as your twenties or getting a divorce from your husband of less than a year, but partner of over seven years?  The answer is…BOTH AT ONCE!  That said:

Dear Parents:  I know that in the past six months I have come off needy.  Thank you for being there and being my rock.  However, please do not mistake my emotional neediness for immaturity or reversion to adolescence.  Thank you for being concerned, I know it comes from a place of love, but at the end of the day, I am 26 years old.  I have my own life, my own apartment and I can stand on my own.  I consider your ever-abundant comments as mere suggestions.  This means that, while I may consider them, I will not take them all on.  Please know I am doing the best I can, but it’s my journey and I need to find my own path-even if it means a few more mistakes along the way.

Also, with the impending divorce papers on their way, it seems sympathy has shot up for my ex, while because I have found some new sources of romance, I am seen as a social pariah. 

Dear Family Members Who Had Dinner With My Soon-to-be-Ex-Husband:  I understand your need to maintain ties with D*.  He was a part of the family and he seems lonely.  I know what you are thinking: at the end of the day, he really is a great guy, right?  I guess I need to be ok with the fact that though he may have cut me out of his life, he wishes to stay in contact with you.  Wait a minute…no.  Fuck that.  How dare you?  Are you for real?!  Where is your allegiance?  Maybe, it’s because you don’t know all the emotionally manipulative things he has done, especially since the separation, since I don’t air the dirty laundry.  Perhaps you feel this sympathy for him because I have never broadcasted just how miserable and torn up I have spent the last eight months of my life.  Maybe it’s because you all see me as the reason for all evils in this relationship’s demise.  But none of that really matters.  You should still be on my side. I know that sounds childish.  Regardless, it hurts and I’d like to know when you decided he was worth more to you than our relationship.  I want to know when I became last in line for your love and support.

Dear Ex-Summer-Boy: Fuck You.  You had it and threw it away.  Don’t try and talk to me.  Ever again.  You may not even know it yourself, but you are a liar.  You gush emotionally laden words and plans before thinking twice.  Then you walk away without batting an eye lash.  I hate you for that.  PS: I still think about you.  Every. Single. Day.

Dear New Love Interest: Thank you.  Thank you for being you and teaching me what I deserve and what a good partner can be.  Thank you for walking my dogs and cleaning my apartment and making me dinner and buying me little things, like, Pumpkin Latte’s to make my day better.  Also, thank you for your patience and understanding.  I’m not in great dating shape, but you don’t seem to mind.  Or at least, you are bearing with me.

Dear Self: Cut yourself some slack.  Rest.  Think.  Don’t make any major decisions you don’t have to make.  I know you don’t do well with ambiguity but just chill out.

I feel much better with that off my chest.   Carry on.

When

Do you remember when? When life was simple and easy
Like Sunday mornings of your youth?
Waking up to the warm sun on your face and your mother’s embrace

Do you remember when?
We had love in our hearts and peace in our souls
We were friends?
It’s amazing how with time, everything bends
Variations of the truth

I miss the days of knowing your face
Our thoughts
Keeping pace
Keeping time, like a perfect rhyme

Until it wasn’t so perfect or perfection was deceiving
Which was it?
And why, 8 months later, is my heart still bleeding?

The funny thing is
I’m not even bleeding for love, love.
I’m just bleeding for you: my best friend
I’m done playing pretend
We never should have been in bed
Never should have taken those vows
I only hope time allows
For us to come together again
Together with out the hate and the strife
I want you in my life
Want you to be here again
With me
With us
Trust

It will all be ok
Someday