Where I’m at…

One of my favorite movie trilogy’s The Before series.  In many ways I can really relate to the main character Celine…

“Reality and love are almost contradictory for me…what does it mean The Right Man? The love of your life? The concept is absurd. The idea that we can only be complete with another person is evil!  Right?!  I guess I’ve been heartbroken too many times. And then I recovered.  So now from from the start I make no effort, because I know it’s not going to work.”

You Know You Are *Really* Single When…

You know you are really, truly living the single life when:

1.  Your love life is pretty much vicariously lived through fictional characters.  You have more of a relationship with at least one of the following: Peeta Mellark, Christian Grey, Kellan Kyle, Derek Shepherd, Gideon Cross, or Noah Calhoun–than any guy with an actual pulse and social security number. And you kinda prefer it that way.

2.   You turn down the chance to hook up with your F.W.B (friend with benefits) because you genuinely rather get other things done.  Like brush the dog’s teeth.  Man, that’s been on the to-do list for a while…

3.  Since your love life is more D.O.A. than any given Friends episode, you actually have resorted to viewing porn.  Something you never did before and would never admit to out loud.

4.  75% of the contents of your fridge are liquid (mostly alcoholic).  The remaining 24% are items that have gone bad and you are just to lazy to throw them out. There may be a stray cheese stick and English muffin that are potentially still edible if you search hard enough.

5.  You haven’t cleaned your tub since January.  And you don’t care.  Cleaning in general can be relegated to the day before any company might be coming over and only areas seen by public are necessary to be cleaned.

6.  When one of your friends got engaged, you used to get green with envy.  Now your mind quickly turns to thoughts of the inevitable bickering and the general idea of putting someone else first and that sigh of longing quickly turns into a sigh of relief.

7. Your phone is filled with more pictures of your pets than actual people

8.   You used to complain about sleeping alone.  Now overnight guests in your bed are really just an annoyance.  No, seriously, I don’t want to cuddle, I want to stretch out my legs.  Get the hell out of my bed.

9.  You have full on conversations with your animals (this one is kind of a cheat because I did this long before I was single, but it’s definitely gone to a new level…)

10.  You find Wine and Potato Chips in bed are perfectly acceptable dinner plans.

11  .You used to get antsy around 3pm on those nights you had big plans.  Now you get antsy at 3pm with the prospect of being in bed in less than three hours with a glass of wine and How I Met Your Mother re-runs on Netflix.  And this is despite the fact that you are, really, an extrovert.

12.  You have reached a new level of comfort with nakedness.  You live alone, so no one is going to see you, so who cares?  Sleeping, lounging, eating- whatever.  You have found that none of it actually requires clothing when no one is there as a witness.

13. Bed at 9pm on a Friday night seems perfectly acceptable.  As does 3am.  Hell, you have no one to answer to so who cares?

14.  When you missed a friend’s call and go to call them back, you secretly hope it goes to voice mail.  I mean this convo is totally going to cut into your smutty novel reading time, which is way important…because ya know…see #1.

The Storm Is Almost Over…

Divorce is *finally* almost official…

Musings #5: Broken Record

Do you ever feel like your life is playing out like a broken record?  Same ‘ish different day.  Get up, go to work.  Meet a friend for dinner. Catch up on Netflix.  Rinse & repeat.  Even on the weekends- it’s the same bar on a Friday night with the same people, dancing to, what seems like, the same songs.  I feel like the weeks have been flying by, blurring one into the other without much differentiation.  But I don’t know how to change, I’m stuck in the broken groove of this record.  And just when I think I’ve moved on, I realize I’m simply stuck in a different, but similar, groove.

All too often lately, I feel like life is going on around me and I’m just standing still.  I look around a crowded room and see everyone else living a life that means something to them.  A life filled with plans, love, close friends and family… and just… meaning.  It makes me long for a real life too, like “a life” is a commodity to be bought, discovered or otherwise attained.

That said, from the outside, it looks like I have quite the life.  I am constantly on the go; running from event to event, seeing this friend or that family member, while trying to fit in a smidgen of down time for myself.  I am fortunate that I have lot’s of friends and, in turn, the opportunity to do many fun and exciting things: concerts, wine & beer festivals, parties, boating adventures, street fairs and lot’s of traveling, even if just for a long weekend.

Nonetheless, somehow, it still all feels numb.  Numb and empty, like I’m running in circles and doing things that give me no actual feelings of contentment, just fleeting moments of fun, like a temporary high.  Instead of taking these moments of fun and savoring them, I get an emotional hangover, craving more and better fun, like a drug addict.  Not only that, but even in a crowded room in the midst of all the fun, I am always look for something….I always want more.  

It makes me wonder: when will I find meaning, value and fulfillment in what I do and how I live my life, regardless of the evenings activities?
…How many friends do I have to have?
…How many ways can I volunteer or jobs do I need to take on?
…How many self help books can I read?
…How many dates can I go on with the proverbial ‘nice guy’ only to feel nothing in the end and have to have the uncomfortable “I’m just not that into you” conversation?
It just seems to circle and circle, ending up in the same place I started.

And I don’t want to feel like my life will begin when I find a relationship.  I want to be stronger and more independent than that.  I want to love when I’m ready, not when I’m just lonely.  But at the same time, I feel that it’s true that life feels so much more fulfilling with a partner.  And I’m really craving that-  the partnership that comes with a good relationship.

I just want to find a way to be content.  I don’t need the stars and the moon; I just need to feel ok.

Overall, I suppose, I know that this record is a little scratched from the bumps along the way, but it would be nice to feel like this record isn’t broken beyond repair.  And it won’t be stuck on repeat forever…