On Repeat…

{Paramore; Last Hope}

 

I don’t even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Just let it happen

Moving Forward

Nope, just go with it…

Not Today

Go ahead and love, for lovers sake
It’s time to open up and give your heart a break

The skies have changed
The page is turned
Wounds cease bleeding and battle scars earned

I can see the clearing in the skies
Slowly my spirit begins to rise

It will all be OK, just not today
But life is a journey anyway

So settle down and get ready to begin
Following your heart isn’t such a sin
Rest easy and sleep sound

You can only go up when you are on the ground

Let It Go; Let It Be

Trying to remember to let things move as they will.  Trust in the universe.  See what life brings…

Musings #4: I’m Going on a Date Tonight

Typically, especially for the work day, I throw on just enough make up to avoid startling the public masses and hide all those socially deemed imperfections-dark circles, pimples and my lovely jaundice-hued skin tone.  But tonight I have a full palate of make up on. Not just the bare essentials but also mascara, eyeliner and some lip color.  My hair has been straightened for the first time in three weeks (it has been pret-ty steamy here so throwing up a wet messy bun has seemed like the easiest best option).  I have a dress on that is cute but a touch sexy with some open back.  I’m ready.  I’m ready for my first date in several months.

Now before we go any further, I have a confession: I already kissed him. I kissed him at the larger social gathering where we met last week.  We were drunk and it was late and he was cute, so I went for it.  No harm, no foul.  That said, I didn’t feel…sparks.  I didn’t feel anything especially magical/tingly/exciting/breathtaking etc.  I mean, I liked him enough to agree to see him again- but is it all doomed because I didn’t feel that special something we see in movies?  The ‘a-ha-this-is-my-soul-mate’ nonsense is missing.  And part of me does feel like it’s nonsense.  But part of me still craves it.  I mean I have felt this way (to an extent) before.  The initial chemistry and connection.  Meeting a person and having the insatiable feeling of wanting to be with and know them in every way possible.  I know this ‘spark’ exists in some capacity, not only from my own previous experience, but because there are too many songs, stories and movies made about said nonsense.

With all of that in mind, perhaps this line of thinking is where I am going wrong?  Perhaps this is why I am single?  Should I follow a more logically anointed path?  One less glamorous and theater-worthy?  On paper this guy has it all: smart, kind, good job, sense of humor, good group of friends, etc etc etc.  When do you say enough with the hold out for your own personal Notebook scene and give the poor guy who is just trying to be nice a chance?  But going with the “nice guy” who had it all on paper and nothing in spirit is what got me into my marital mess.  Where is the line?  Where is the balance?  Help.  Because I am very lost and confused and everywhere I turn seems to have a contradicting answer or sign.

So here it is all simple and condensed: if upon a first meeting, you don’t feel the instant desire and swoon, is he worth pursuing? Or are you wasting your time? Or is the waste of time waiting for the real-life Ryan Gosling to show up with his 365 letters and passion filled kiss in the rain?

 

Cheers

Posted a day late but nonetheless…

 

Drinking champagne to forget yesterday
Coz I remember, the way, the way, the way
It ended the day, the day, the day, the day
That I walked away

Drinking champagne, meant for a wedding
Toast to the bride, a fairytale ending
Drinking champagne, a bottle to myself
Savor the taste of fabricated wealth

Happy Anniversary

It’s true.  Today would have been-or still is, legally speaking- my second wedding anniversary.  I’ve mostly been trying to keep so busy that I don’t have time to dwell on this small fact and avoiding giving myself into full fledged wallowing/self-pity/grief.  Work has been busy, so the strategy to ignore today’s largely unknown, yet, ominous meaning had been, so far, fairly successful.  Until something completely undeniable comes and smacks you right in the face.  Such as this article from Thought Catalog, I Don’t Feel Anything When We Have Sex Anymore appearing at the top of my Reader when I logged in today.

The piece speaks from one person’s perspective how they feel completely numb in their relationship (presumably marriage since there is later talk of rings), but is still working up the courage to let go.

“I look at you and somehow just don’t see a man I used to love. Maybe he was never there. Maybe it was always just you, and it was my love for you that made me see someone different. It kills me because I know you are finally trying – to appreciate me, to be a better person, to make up for the mistakes you made. Yet I wake up empty and I fall asleep empty, the feelings are gone. When it’s bad, I feel annoyed by your presence, I feel like someone took my heart out and tries to squeeze the life out of it. When it’s good, I feel indifferent.

I can’t work up the courage to tell you that it’s over. When did I become this scared? Every morning I tell myself that it has to be today. Every night I fall asleep thinking that it has to be tomorrow. I feel guilty and I can’t make myself hurt you that bad. That’s what brings the tears to my eyes – that I will hurt you. Makes me feel that maybe we’re not done yet, but just for a second, before the emptiness takes over.”

Rewind to last spring and these were the exact thoughts I was trying to make sense of.  The exact thoughts I was so terrified of that, for months, I couldn’t bear to say them out loud, not even to my closest of confidants in the drunkest conditions.  Thoughts I only allowed to creep into the corners of my consciousness in the darkest hours of the many nights where I would lay away for hours listening to D*’s rhythmic breathing.  I was so confused about what these thoughts meant; if they were temporary, if I could get them to go away and what it meant if they never did go away.  I was so lost and my mind such a whirlwind, I could have never strung together a cohesive thought about this, let alone something as articulate as this article.

Nonetheless, even after all this time, it’s comforting to finally find the words to explain what was going on in my head, as these words may as well have been legitimately lifted directly from my brain a little over a year ago.

It’s even more ironic that this popped up on our anniversary, especially considering that, while a year ago, I had moved out about a month prior to today, the final conversation that put the proverbial nail in the coffin was had today, on our wedding anniversary. It went a little something like this (thank you Gchat for unbeknownst to me, saving all conversations, ever):

D*: I feel like I should talk to you today, but I’m note entirely sure what to say
Me: I know, me too
D*: I was just curious if you had made up your mind already, because all your messages have been clearly, “friend, friend, friend, friend”
Me: I do still feel like we are just friends. I feel like we always have been. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
D*: That statement right there says it all, which is the decision I was waiting for.
Me: But there is more to my decision than that. I need to decide if I can give up my entire life, give up my life with you and all we have together.
D*: No, the decision isn’t if you can give up your entire life, the decision is you can love me more than a friend. If the answer is no then the rest goes away. It’s not one or the other.
Me: I can’t help how i feel…
D*: So the answer is no, you don’t love me more than a friend. Am i understanding that correctly?
Me: I guess…yes, I’m sorry
D*: Then that settles a lot

End of conversation.  And that was the last civilized, real, conversation we have had.  On our one-year wedding anniversary.  Over Gchat.  While at work.  One year ago today.

Perhaps if I had had this article, it would have been easier to just hand it to him.  Hell, it would have been easier to hand to other people who’s mouths dropped when I told them I had moved out or we were breaking up.  Especially since in my overwhelm of emotions I had little to no explanations to offer as I was just as confused as ever and was still reeling from the shock that I finally spit out the words I thought that I never could admit to: “I don’t want this life anymore.  I want more. I want real love, not just a best friend.  I want to feel, not be numb.”

This anonymous author sums it up so well:

“You took me. I don’t know when and how it happened. You took me and you lost me, so now I’m an empty shell, a shadow of a person I used to be. You took me, but now I want me back. So I’ll tell you tonight. I’ll watch you take off the ring I once put on your finger, probably I’ll cry. We’ll do the paperwork. You’ll move out. I will never see you again. It will take long months of emptiness and loneliness, but I will find myself.“

And the thing that people don’t understand-that I don’t think he still doesn’t understand-is the poignant last line of this article is exactly the point of why I did what I did and my only hope for the future: “We’ll be better people without each other.”

Happy Anniversary D* wherever you are.  After all the tears, yelling, lawyers, words left unsaid, misunderstood gossip and heartbreak, a piece of me will always miss you and love you.  But I know we are both going to be better, happier, people because of this.