Lost in Matrimony
To thine own self be true, but what about to you?
What is one to do?
When you crave to hold your own soul
But for matrimony, you have used it to pay the toll
Weddings come at the price of giving yourself away
Veiled in white lace until the day comes that you don’t recognize your own face
Who is that girl? What happened to the blush in her cheeks? Her independent streaks?
Buried deep, waiting for another day, another life perhaps, only hoping too much time won’t lapse.
Funny, how the movies only show a wedding as the happy end
What happened after, when Prince Charming won’t bend?
Does Cinderella run just like she did that first night?
Which is a worse plight?
To be missing love in your life or missing yourself?
To cry alone and aloud, or cry silently with the slumbering soul beside you?
Is it inevitable? Feeling lost and alone?
Speaking out, only to find your voice comes out without a sound,
Since when did you give in before the fight even reached the second round?
Finally I begin to see me; I have been found
A minute too late, the stroke past midnight
Is all now lost? Can I make this right?
Only with time can I tell
Will I stay or will I go?
Without answers my anticipation swells
Do you ever feel like pushing the pause button on your life?
Taking off without telling anyone for a soul seeking journey to a far away place where no one knows you?
These are pretty much the constant thoughts that are now running through my brain. I have so much on my emotional plate at the moment, and I am so lost and confused at what I really want, that I find myself overwhelmed and defaulting to these thoughts. I just need to get the hell away from here.
Between my pending divorce, still getting over the ‘Summer Ex’, trying to let down the ‘Puppy Dog’ whom I really love as a friend but have zero romantic interest in, avoiding the calls from previous hook-ups (since I have decided that I no long want to do that), and trying to find where a newly kindled romance is going, I am spent. Some time away from everyone, shutting out the world with all it’s opinions and ‘should do’s’ sounds like exactly what the doctor ordered.
Wait. I feel as though I have seen this scene before–the lost/despondent/sad/confused soul seeks solace in a quiet sanctuary, or a self-defining journey, in an effort to gather their thoughts and find some sort of self guidance. Righhhht… I should re-watch The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, Eat Pray Love, and Your Sister’s Sister.
I need that. Right now.
So, for the last few weeks I have I seriously contemplated just spending a little (non existent) money and finding myself a cheap-ish deal for a woodsy weekend getaway somewhere here in New England. I could drive there, lock myself in a hotel room, write, journal, sleep, reflect.
Sounds lovely, but that said, it’s not going to happen. I am broke (thanks, divorce lawer!), and have a 9-5, Monday through Friday Big-Girl job (adulting, ugh). Also, being the social butterfly I am, I have practically no free weekends left until after the holidays. So, as the innovative woman of the future, (sense the sarcasm?), I thought up something else.
I decided that if I can’t go away, I will make my own little apartment my oasis. I mean, it’s practically the same size as any given hotel room, right?! So this week I have cut myself off from the world with the exception of work. I am having a Social Detox.
Rules are as follows:
1. No Social Plans.
This means no dinners, drinks, visits, visitors of any kind. Not from friends, boys, family. And definitely no ‘going out’.
2. No Social Media.
Bring on the Facebook withdrawal like WHOA. No Twitter, not even going to look at Perez or E! For those of you pop culture fiends, you know how hard this is. But I need to focus on ME, not the imaginary lives of celebrities.
3. No Alcohol.
I have been drinking entirely too much lately, and we all know it does nothing for clarity in any sense, or on any subject. Time to detox.
4. Minimal conversations.
Phone is still on in case of an emergency. I will still be checking email. But extensive conversation is going to be avoided.
5. No computer use after 5pm.
Unless it’s to journal or write.
So what will I be doing this week? Getting my life in order. Breathing. Finally, actually, organizing my apartment for the first time since I moved in two and a half months ago. Hopefully catching up on some reading. And most certainly making time for the following: yoga, relaxation, sleep and journaling.
When I left my husband, I had this grandiose idea in my head that I would move out and create this super healthy, zen, balanced life for myself that I felt was impossible to do while I was still with him. I would cook the vegan and organic meals for myself that he always made fun of. I would get up in the mornings and do yoga coupled with a mindfulness routine(which he also poked at). I would take time to read meaningful books and work on my writing since it is a recently discovered passion of mine.
Needless to say, it’s been almost 5 months now, all of which has been a whirlwind and none of which has been zen. Mostly this is my fault. While I consider myself a intelligent, mature, adult who functions well in society-showing up to work and doing a good job, taking reasonable care of myself- I admittedly have been enjoying being single and 26 (read: partying and boys). I have been dating faster than the man-eating Taylor Swift, as well as hooking-up as my loins see fit (sounds terrible…but see #15 of previous post Things I Wish I Knew at 20), keeping up with friends as if I am the living version of one of the Sex in the City girls, eating out or not eating at all, and overall, just keep a constant pace of GO.
This week I’m slowing it down. Dialing it back. Letting life happen around me, instead of jumping in the middle of it. I may not be able to afford that self-discovery trip to Italy, and I don’t have anyone to lend me their cabin in the woods, but I have my own space and I call the shots on my own time–and that’ s more than I had 5 months ago. It’s time that I sit back and actively think about my life, consider my options and feel the feelings that already exist within me, but are overshadowed by the booked up planner and post-work cosmos. It’s time for a week of me.