Musings #5: Broken Record

Do you ever feel like your life is playing out like a broken record?  Same ‘ish different day.  Get up, go to work.  Meet a friend for dinner. Catch up on Netflix.  Rinse & repeat.  Even on the weekends- it’s the same bar on a Friday night with the same people, dancing to, what seems like, the same songs.  I feel like the weeks have been flying by, blurring one into the other without much differentiation.  But I don’t know how to change, I’m stuck in the broken groove of this record.  And just when I think I’ve moved on, I realize I’m simply stuck in a different, but similar, groove.

All too often lately, I feel like life is going on around me and I’m just standing still.  I look around a crowded room and see everyone else living a life that means something to them.  A life filled with plans, love, close friends and family… and just… meaning.  It makes me long for a real life too, like “a life” is a commodity to be bought, discovered or otherwise attained.

That said, from the outside, it looks like I have quite the life.  I am constantly on the go; running from event to event, seeing this friend or that family member, while trying to fit in a smidgen of down time for myself.  I am fortunate that I have lot’s of friends and, in turn, the opportunity to do many fun and exciting things: concerts, wine & beer festivals, parties, boating adventures, street fairs and lot’s of traveling, even if just for a long weekend.

Nonetheless, somehow, it still all feels numbNumb and empty, like I’m running in circles and doing things that give me no actual feelings of contentment, just fleeting moments of fun, like a temporary high.  Instead of taking these moments of fun and savoring them, I get an emotional hangover, craving more and better fun, like a drug addict.  Not only that, but even in a crowded room in the midst of all the fun, I am always look for something….I always want more.  

It makes me wonder: when will I find meaning, value and fulfillment in what I do and how I live my life, regardless of the evenings activities?
How many friends do I have to have?
How many ways can I volunteer or jobs do I need to take on?
How many self help books can I read?
How many dates can I go on with the proverbial ‘nice guy’ only to feel nothing in the end and have to have the uncomfortable “I’m just not that into you” conversation?
It just seems to circle and circle, ending up in the same place I started.

And I don’t want to feel like my life will begin when I find a relationship.  I want to be stronger and more independent than that.  I want to love when I’m ready, not when I’m just lonely.  But at the same time, I feel that it’s true that life feels so much more fulfilling with a partner.  And I’m really craving that-  the partnership that comes with a good relationship.

I just want to find a way to be content.  I don’t need the stars and the moon; I just need to feel ok.

Overall, I suppose, I know that this record is a little scratched from the bumps along the way, but it would be nice to feel like this record isn’t broken beyond repair.  And it won’t be stuck on repeat forever

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