Dear Me:

I think we need a pep talk mixed with a healthy rant.  Here goes:

I know that right now, things are hard for you.  And the funny thing is, hard times are never like you expect.  It’s summer again, marking the one year anniversary of leaving D*.   This time last year, you essentially walked out on all you knew for your entire adult life.  You knew leaving would be tough and you were bracing for the worst,  but instead, when you looked up from your fetal position, you found an abundance of love and support surrounding you.  Things weren’t as bad you anticipated.  Instead you found that you were actually smiling, laughing and felt genuinely happy for the first time in a very, very long time. It was as though a weight had been lifted and you finally could be yourself.  It was relieving and empowering.

Yes, admittedly, last summer was a blast. There were countless fun events, unanticipated late nights, romances, moments of bonding and touching closeness with friends- all while learning to enjoy your new found independence. That’s not to say the Summer of 2012 wasn’t speckled with many moments of sheer grief and overwhelming feelings of loss or confusion, but overall, the love and support that surrounded you helped to bring you right back from the depths of depression and difficulty in no time.

Why is this year so much harder?  Why is it that after a full year of learning and adjusting, you feel so much more alone, hopeless and angry at the world than ever before?  I know sometimes you think it’s just that your luck has leveled out.  Perhaps it’s time to come down from the high of this independence and freedom roller coaster. But really, I don’t think so.  I think that in the midst of all the fun and excitement, you have had your fair share of difficult moments- the seemingly endless nights, loneliness, overwhelming confusion and heartbreak from romances gone wrong- that make the good times even out.

So honestly, I don’t know why you are in this spot.  They say everything happens for a reason; maybe you need the learning experience.  But learn what?  To hate life? To feel life inevitably circles back to shit?  That eventually you will be depressed, lying flat on the ground again with no where to turn?  To learn to not trust people?  Like at all. Ever.

But what a sad existence is that?  You don’t want to live like that-always on the defensive.  Although, hell, right now there are moments that I know that you are not certain you want to live period.  This is not to say that suicide is ever a legitimate thought or option, but being hit by a bus doesn’t always seem like the worst thing that could happen lately.

That’s how you know things are bad.  While you would never actually attempt self harm, I know that many days you could care less if you happened to be mowed down by a Mac truck, stung by killer bees (if they even really exist?) or accidentally drove into a tree.  You’re just so drained and tired.

Tired of holding yourself together all the time. Tired of searching for meaning in everything and waiting for moments of clarity or complacency to make it all worth while.  Tired of explaining yourself and your decisions and more than anything- your feelings.  Tired of all the judgments and opinions masked as questions:  “Why are you so sad/not taking time to yourself/not happy/not dating/dating so soon/partying so much/being immature/so thin/so bloated/not exercising/not eating right/not drinking tonight/not coming out with us/talking to that guy with the girlfriend/talking to that guy who was a dick to you/not talking to anyone/not writing anymore/not taking this new start to move away?.…and on and on and on.

Everyone seems to have their opinions and stance on exactly who you should be and how to live your life.  Maybe that’s partially your fault.  Maybe, in the throws of all that love and support and bonding, you began to rely on the ideas and opinions of others more than you should have.  And maybe some people took advantage of this-I mean who doesn’t have their judgements or an opinion on how everyone else should do things?  It’s always easier from the outside looking in.

Perhaps what all of this means is, it’s time for you to be quiet.  Or as the infamous blogger Jenna Marbles says: “pipe the fuck down.”  Take a lesson from Psych 101: you can’t control other people, only yourself.  And lord knows you yourself are far from quietfamous for your sass, sarcasm and otherwise big mouth as one of your most salient features. Let’s start a quieter precedent for yourself.  Stop and listen.  Listen to your thoughts.  Listen to your heart.  And stop keeping so busy all the time.  Instead  wait and see what you can hear in the whisper of the world around you.

At the very least, it’s worth a shot.

“Take a breath and listen
Open up stop pushin’
All that you’ve been missin’
Standing in front of you”

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One thought on “Dear Me:

  1. Pingback: Musings # 3: You’re Going To Be Fine | Separate Ways

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