Since April, I have pushed aside more casual dating and decided that perhaps it was time to be more serious–read: look for a long term relationship instead of a hook up. However, just as I had a harsh reality check for my female friends in one of my previous posts, I now have several similar “tips” for the young, single men of the world.
Instead of simply bitching, I figured I would shake things up and use some of my favorite “SomeECards” to write a more visual and sassy letter to all of the prospective men, both past and present.Without further ado….
Dear all Prospective Men:
Reading is sexy. Even if you don’t read on the regular, the fact that you do read some thing, sometimes, like ever, is important. It makes me more confident in your ability to hold a conversation…and presents the idea that you are more likely not be a closed minded bigot. All pluses in my book.
I am a huge animal lover and my two dogs are my everything. I have generally found the best kind of people are those who also love animals. If you aren’t into animals, I feel like part of your soul is missing. Also, I need someone who isn’t going to care that I am constantly covered in dog fur.
Do you realize what you are saying half the time?! I really don’t want to hear about your car and the ridiculous amount of money you put into it, the level you reached on World of Warcraft or the a play by play of the Knicks game last night. I’m not saying it’s wrong to have hobbies-quite the contrary, I look for a man who has some sort of hobby. But, if I tell you I don’t follow sports or I don’t know anything about cars, I don’t really want to talk about it for an hour. My “How was the game?” question was merely a pleasantry. By the same token, not being able to hold a conversation at all, is equally as frustrating. Bottom line: learn some social conventions on how to hold a mutually involved conversation.
ATTENTION! ALL MEN! You should note that grammar and spelling–even while texting–is more important than you think. I’m totally judging you when you spell things like “cudnt” or “sumthin” or use the wrong ‘their/there’/they’re. It makes me wonder if you are simply uneducated (no thank you), or can’t be bothered with the effort (also, no thank you). Man up and write spend the five extra sentence to write a fucking sentence correctly.
Start spouting about Jesus and the coming of Christ, or “thou shalt obey thy husband” and it’s off. I am not saying that anyone I date has to mirror my religious beliefs completely but, I simply cannot be with someone who is over zealous when it comes to religion and wants me barefoot in the kitchen. Stick to your Christian Mingle sites please.
Ignore me, and you might as well delete my number now. I don’t play games and I don’t chase. It’s rude to not return messages after a certain amount of time and contrary to popular belief, it does not make me want you more. Instead I see you as incompetent, unstable and unreliable. Not exactly qualities I’ll be looking for in my new relationship.
On the contrary, don’t push me. One date does not make us exclusive. After one dinner, or even two, I have still not made up my mind about you. I. hardly. know. you. And vice versa-have some self respect! I know it may seem confusing–don’t ignore me, but don’t pressure me–but simple rule of thumb: treat me with the same level of respect and attention you would a good friend. I’m sure you aren’t all up in your friend’s business all day(i.e. sending 500 texts an hour), and I’m sure you return his texts in a timely manner. Do the same for me, please. Easy enough, no?
In my post Notes From the Field I wrote about how women need to be more decisive. Same goes for you with the ‘Y’ chromosome. Be a man and make a fucking plan. Put some legitimate thought and effort into it and figure out a place to take me. If you can’t figure it out, ask your sister/best friend/female coworker/mom, and fake it. Shhh…we’ll never know.
Lastly, if you think I’m asking too much this is my response to you:
Thank you, and have a nice day.