Rendezvous

I turned the corner and there you were
Blindly crashing into me, all unawares
Slow motion recognition
I try to shuffle along, unaffected
But in just a moment you are already bypassing flesh, seeping languidly into my bones
You have found me again
A visitor without an invitation
An unwelcome feeling that feels like home nonetheless

For years I have lived with you in the shadows
Ignoring your mocking undertones
Moving through life aware of you, but keeping my eyes averted
I did not miss you
But now that you’re here, I can’t find the strength to walk away
I’m not sure that I want to

And so it begins
I shrug you on like an ugly old coat that is warm and welcoming despite its rips and tears
Closing my eyes in moments of weakness, I feel you quietly course through my veins
Giving way to a silent and discreet kind of crazy
A lone secret that is mine and mine alone
As if having something to yet reveal gives me some kind of unique ipseity

Allowing you to stay is an exhilarating form of anguish
In the rewards that you bring, but maddening hell you create
Silent victories but also silent tears
You give me life, even though you might very well be what takes my life away
So I keep chasing the high of the next moment of elation
Which is always there, buried surreptitiously under layers of numb pain and strife

Someday, I will try and shrug you off again
Maybe come spring
When bright, long days make hope seem like a rule I can abide by
When, finally, I find strength in my own weakness
Finding myself
Outside of you
Once again

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