Why does it always happen like this? Everything. At once. Always. No room for deep breaths or slow transitions. No time to percolate your thoughts, assess new situations or gain a slow understanding of changes. Instead, a fervor of life defining activities, events, or decisions, that demand to be seen and heard, come all at once like the torrent of an unexpected rain storm . A rain so hot and blinding it, very well, may render you momentarily catatonic as your emotions rise and fall at a moments notice and without abandon.
Everything I once knew is now questionable as I struggle to grasp what is now my inevitable reality. What will life be like when my father is soon gone? When did my darling puppy’s face get so white and his eyes so clouded? How did I not notice the abundance of grey hairs adorning my head? Where did some of my dearest friends go? Why do we not speak? When did my relationship go from anxiously new to comfortably established? Where did the last three years go? How have I not noticed; not taken stock of the days ticking by and cherished each one more than the last?
All at once, my life is not my own; distant and unrecognizable. In a maddening flurry of realizations, I feel things slipping away from me: the presence of loved ones, relationships, ideas of the direction of my life, norms and routines that I cherish. Time itself is elusive. I am overwhelmed in my helplessness of life’s progression and hyper aware of my limited time with all I hold dearest and makes my life what it is. This is how it is, I think. This is life. And life does what it always does: it marches it’s sweet, militant, march. On and on and on; unsettling as it may be.