Do you ever just wake up knowing that the day is just going to totally and completely suck? Like within 10 minutes of arousal, you just know that you are going to hate every minute of this day. And spare me your ‘positive thinking for a positive day’ bullshit. I am not in the mood. Not today.
Let me preface all this by saying: I slept like complete garbage last night. So, when my alarm clock rang at exactly 7am, the sound of said alarm had me on the brink of a meltdown. In my borderline hysteria, I decided to skip the shower, allowing me some more snooze time. What’s one more day of not showering? I working in a fucking cubicle; no one will notice. We American’s shower way too much anyway- but that’s a another rant for another day. Let it also be known that that last week it was 50-something degrees out and today it is mid 80’s. So, I am wildly unprepared for weather appropriate outfits and just grab a pair of whatever pants look clean and a t-shirt looks semi-work appropriate (aka- not super oversize and/or stained) without any kind of regard to how the clothing actually looked or fit on my body.
So it was also only natural that in my disheveled state, I run into someone from high school whilst on a Starbucks run at lunchtime. And let it be known that there is little in this world that I hate more than running into people from high school. It is inevitably awkward and strained and all the while I am wondering how badly they are judging me, just as I am judging them.
It only makes matters worse that we live in the social media age where everyone knows everyone’s business no matter how private you try and keep it. And it’s really the pits when your ex-husband went to the same high school and graduated with the same class. Then let’s add the fact that the person you are currently dating is also from high school (and the same graduating class). All of which despite the fact that you, actually, really, hate 99.9% of the people you went to school with.
So, I am standing there, hoping to god she will just shut up and take my order (as she is the barista). I don’t want a conversation. I don’t want a recap of your life- or mine. I just want my damn coffee, not your comments. And after a few pleasantries, she casually looks me up and down my harried, unwashed
little self and says “oh you have kids, right?”
Maybe it’s paranoia. Maybe it’s my general annoyance with all of what is known as ‘today’. But I found this wildly offensive. I have never in my life been asked this before. Ever. Does this mean I look like I have kids?? Is it just because I am old? Or because I look particularly large that I must have carried a baby or two and just not lost that ‘pesky baby weight’? Or perhaps it looks like I barely got myself out of the house alive this morning (which is actually true) and the only reason one might be so harried would be because of the mayhem of child rearing. What. Does. This. Mean.?
I don’t know. But I actually, I really don’t care because the point is: it doesn’t feel good. It feels like shit. It makes me want to move across the world, or at least the country so I never run into someone from high school again. It makes me want to wire my jaw shut and lose 50lbs by next Tuesday. It makes me want to get a personal stylist. Or at the very least binge on a new wardrobe (not that I would know what the fuck to buy even if I had the money.) Or the easiest option- it makes me never want to leave my house again.
But instead-for right now at least- I’m just going to stick my face into this Chipotle lunch and devour it like a pig at a trough. And then I am going to suck this ‘Buck down like it’s the elixir of youth. Because sometimes you have to just ride the feeling-like-ass-wave.
Because Today Sucks. Today I feel like I suck.
Maybe it’s both. Maybe it’s neither. But whatever it is, hopefully tomorrow will bring a change.