You (as in my nonexistent blog readers) may have noticed a lull in my posts recently. It’s actually been a few days shy of a month since I have posted anything and even longer since I posted anything with actual substance.
I’d like to be able to tell you it was because I have built up a new life and it’s been incredibly busy with one fulfilling thing to the next. I’d like to be able to say that it is because I have been utilizing my creativity in other outlets or doing anything else even remotely productive.
However, this would be a lie.
The last few months have been some of the most brutal of my life, thus far. The divorce (while now nearly 100% finalized) had some seriously nasty twists and turns, friends have shown their true colors for better or for worse, and life in general has just seemed overwhelming.
For the first time in my life, I have literally been rendered speechless into something resembling a catatonic stupor.
And not because of any one particular event or person, but because it feels like life has piled on so hard, for so long now, that it has worn me down and taken every fiber of my being just to process it, let alone write about it coherently. In all honestly, I have not so much been depressed or anxious or angry as I have felt…defeated.
This is strange for me. Typically, I’m one of great emotional highs and lows (without meaning to sound too bipolar). If things are good, or even relatively smooth, I’m a pretty happy, spirited person. On the same token, if things are bad, I easily spiral into a hard depression or spiteful rage. But lately this has not been the picture of my personality or my life.
The picture is blank. A whole canvas of nothing.
It’s been like swallowing air when you are expecting either water or sand. It isn’t profoundly negative or positive. The air does it’s job and keeps you alive. But after a while, the echo of the hollowness in your heart rings so loudly it’s impossible to ignore.
So, I’m here. Not living, just breathing. And with each breath in I feel emptier and emptier; the empty shell of a person.
I am missing. Missing, myself.