Hiatus Clarity

This was a post I started a few weeks back and forgot about.  This is the kind of clarity that hiatus brought me.  Which served me well in Vegas.  (Well for now…we’ll see how it turns out…more on that later).  For now, this shift in mentality was primarily the result of hiatus.  ————————————————————————————————————————————————-

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Every once in a while, I have a moment where things really click in my head–completely out of no where.  We all have these ‘a-ha!’ moments.  Just for me, the setting is never what I picture.  It’s never in the yoga studio, the calm of a morning shower, or mind-clearing run.  Instead, it’s night’s like last night: a random Thursday where I found myself merrily enjoy a glass of Cabernet with a (platonic) guy friend, watching zombie movies.

I’m leaning on his shoulder, the two of of us sprawled out on his uber comfy sectional. I felt light and full of energy as I laughed over some sarcastic comment he made to counter my original criticism of the movie.  Then, as he got up to refill our wine, I had a moment, where I realized I felt more content and genuinely happy than I had in a long time in the company of any other man.  For a moment I took pause.  Could this long-time platonic friend be…more?!  Was he the one all along?  Had I been ignoring the signs for years?

My reverie was abruptly interrupted by his return to the room.  Then I had one of those movie moments where the person is talking but you aren’t really listening as much as studying them (queue sappy playing over the conversation and laughter as my inner monologue continues).

Nah.  Definitely not it.

My loins didn’t twitch.  My heart didn’t race.  I didn’t feel giddy.  It was pure friendship, through and through.  With a sigh and sip of wine, I went back to our otherwise uneventful, yet super enjoyable, night.

Later that night though, as I climbed into bed (yes, alone-just in case you wondered), I thought more about this.  I still had the residual feelings of contentment.  And that’s when I realized:  *This* was part of what I needed.  *This* was what I have been missing.  The easy and light, excited, exuberant feeling.  Every guy I had been out with–and even, er, “been” with lacked this.  Regrettably, even the most recent ex-boyfriend.

This is not to say that this platonic friend and I should be a couple. Our personalities are great as friends-we’re both witty, caring, kind people who enjoy hanging out.  But what we want in relationships and major deal breakers (religion, politics, hobbies etc) are very different.  And this is all fine.  But I realized that this  comfortable, easy, feeling should be a new per-requisite.  This may seem strange as it sounds, pretty obvious, but I suppose I needed to feel that in order to to realize it, since I’m not sure I have felt that way since adolescence.  That’s right.  I haven’t had the excited, butterflies, content and happy feeling with the opposite sex since I met my first love at 17.  Perhaps it’s time.

With all that said, I understand that some of that ease comes from years of knowing someone.  However, even with platonic relationships (of either gender), sometimes you meet someone and you just click.  You know you could be great friends and feel close and comfortable, right off the bat.

I guess what I am trying to say, (to myself), is that I need to keep my mind (and my heart) open, and trust my instincts.  As someone who has always been obsessed with lists and logic, I need to push that aside.  I’m not a dumb girl. I don’t need to keep a tally of reasons why a guy and I will, or will not, work.  I hear certain words (Catholic, conservative, guns, the word Axe for ‘ask’ or dropping ‘g’s off the end of a word) and I know immediately we can never be anything serious. Beyond that, you never know.

Perhaps it’s time I ditch the checklist and shift the focus to my instincts.  After all, I’ve never been good at following them (instincts, that is) and look where that has gotten me…

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