No Boys Allowed

hi·a·tus

a : an interruption in time or continuity: break; especially : a period when something (as a program or activity) is suspended or interrupted

This weekend held the final straw for my dating sanity.  A series of events with a series of guys I have been involved with in some capacity or another, at some time or another, seemed to all come out of the woodwork at once.  My head is still spinning and my heart reeling.

It has made me realize that in many ways, I am completely out of control when it comes to men and dating.  I have no idea what I want. I have no idea what to look for.  And beyond that, I am continually finding myself in situations where I either have no genuine interest in the person I am with or I am overrun with genuine feelings for someone who I cannot have or is unhealthy for me. And therefore, perhaps, it’s time I take a break.

I spent a lot of time in the car this weekend, as I had gone out of town.  Driving back, I had a very clear and poignant memory.

Almost exactly a year ago, I went to a yoga class downtown in the city where I now reside.  The thoughts of leaving my marriage had finally moved from the back to the forefront of my mind.  The urge to leave my husband was beginning to incessantly harp at my heart, becoming harder and harder to ignore.

Traveling from our suburban home and into into the city, I couldn’t help but take a moment and stare at the quaint brownstones lining the street, and wonder what life would be like to start over and make a life for myself with one of them as my home. This series of thoughts continued and morphed into desire. Even during my, usually, mind-clearing yoga practice, I found myself fantasizing about starting over, having a space of my own in one of these cute apartments; moving through daily life on my own without anyone to answer to.  While logically I knew some of this scenario was seriously romanticized, I couldn’t help but longingly wonder how much happier and healthier I could be having my own space, forming a routine that included mindfulness, organic eating, yoga and learning about myself.

Going home that night,  I drove right past my house instead of turning into the drive way, as the sight of the house brought on a full fledged panic attack.  Pulling into the Starbucks around the corner, I tried to steady my breath.  I wanted to do anything but go home as I was haunted by the thoughts running through my head.

How could I ever leave? How could I walk away from everything I have built in my life- from my relationship to my home.  How could I ever explain my feelings to D*? How could I ever tell him that I didn’t really love him.  I could never hurt him like that…

Eventually, I pulled it together.  Went home, and as usual, acted as normal as possible, slipping into bed with a quick peck on the cheek for another long night of fits of insomnia.

Looking back, it’s funny how I existed in that mental state for months, but overall, most of it is a blur…a blur until one, little memory, such as this one, creeps into my mind.  It’s also ironic that at that time, as much as I wanted that life, I couldn’t fathom actually ever walking away from my marriage and starting over.  I honestly didn’t believe I had it in me.  And here I am, one year later-living that life.  Living on my own, with my two dogs, in a cute little brownstone apartment in that same city.

Of course life isn’t as glamorous as the fantasy from that day (shit, I don’t even do yoga anymore).  However, in the midst of this memory, while I am proud of myself for finally stepping up and making the move that needed to happen, I also realized that just how far I was from the calm, healthy, self-clarifying scenario I envisioned last spring.  Between the shitstorm of male drama and the resurrection of this memory, I realized that maybe, that’s what I need to start striving for.  Maybe I need to take a break from the guys and the dating and the parties and put all the attention and focus on me.  On becoming a better me.

Hence my decision for a hiatus from dating.  A male-detox of sorts.  Time that will solely be about me.  About getting to that healthy, healing place.  Because right now I am far from healed.  Far from healed from my divorce, from my recent romances-hell, even from the scars of adolescence.

So, I am formulating a plan.  Details to follow…

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