Going through this divorce has been enormously painful on so many levels. When I first announced I was leaving, I was met with various responses, but mostly resounding support. Some of the support I got was so enormous and kind that I will never be able to repay those individuals. Your words of encouragement meant everything to me.
While I try to focus on this outpouring of love and support, it’s hard when certain people were not there like I had expected them to be. It’s particularly hard to look past some of those friends and family who maintain(ed) a relationship with D*. I try to be mature and be ok with it. I try and not care. I try to remember that he doesn’t have many friends like I do or the close knit family, to help support him, but at the end of the day it makes me sad and bitter. He has not treated me with the love and respect I deserve since the divorce. I tried to make this separation the easiest it possibly could. And he was still mean and spiteful. I don’t feel he deserves the love and attention you are giving him. And above all, I know it’s selfish, but it hurts all the same for you to be allowed into his life and his heart and not me.
Beyond that, there has been a serious drop off of support. I guess not even support, but existence in general. It’s like after I made it through the first few months of the separation and started dating, ever assumes I am just fine. I’ll tell you I’m absolutely not. This is an ongoing grieving process. I’m not okay just because I am making attempts at moving on. I am not okay just because I look it. I am not okay just because I can pull myself together and get to work. And I’m not okay just because when ask how I am I say ‘good.’ I left D* in June. The summer was filled with love and support. Then just like the animals, it seems my support network went into hibernation as fall faded into winter. Where are you? Don’t know I still hurt? Don’t you know I still need your love? I know I can reach out and ask. But it always hurts to have to ask. Maybe it’s another point of my immaturity. I don’t know, but it’s how I feel and I miss those of you who have been M.I.A.
Finally, there are those who have been there, and continue to be supportive, but not without judgement, and even, at times chastisement. This includes you, Mom and Dad. Lord I love you, but you have an opinion about everything and it’s the only opinion you see fit. For all of you, who have something to say about how I am carrying myself, acting or making my choices, I appreciate the concern, but there is a fine, fine line between judgment and concern. Needless to say, I welcome your observations, but please stop expecting me to follow all of your advice. I see things differently- we all do- but at the end of the day this is MY life.
I guess what they say is true: when times get rough, you find out who your friends are. For those who have consistently been there, thank you. For those who haven’t-it’s okay. I am not going to hold it against you, but things will need to be different if you want to remain in my life. I’m cutting out the fat and making my inner circle of friends and family smaller. If you want in, you need to show it (as I will willingly do the same for you). Be there, be kind and be honest with me, without judging me. Is that so much to ask?