It’s 3am and my head is swirling as quickly and violently as the winds outside my fragile, Victorian Era, windows. My emotions are running rampant and in a manner so fast and confusing I don’t know where one thought or feeling begins and the other ends. Part of me feels sad; part of me mad; part of me is filled with guilt. They are all blending and it’s overwhelming.
Mostly I have identified that in one way or another I feel unsatisfied. Unsatisfied with my bank account, unsatisfied with my weight gain, unsatisfied with my friendships (which is rare and startling), and potentially even (mysteriously) unsatisfied in my new relationship. I can feel the aching need deep within for more–but for more what? With that thought in mind, I hastily am overcome with worry that perhaps I can never be fully satisfied. Perhaps that is really the issue at hand. It makes me wonder: Is this the root of my divorce? Not so much the incompatibility between myself and my ex, but my affinity for dissatisfaction and obsession with wanting/needing/looking for more?
Tonight in particular, I am feeling super annoyed and even frustrated with myself that I can’t feel satisfied as the homebody I long to be. Such a large piece of me desperately wants to be content with evenings on the couch, home cooked meals and the monotonous lifestyle that comes with coupledom. Basically I want to be satisfied with the majority of my former, married, life.
This idea was really brought to the surface of my psyche by an event I attended tonight with my good friend J* who has been with her significant other f0r many years now. While she is my age (mid twenties), it was evident that her calm, cool maturity is so much greater than mine. Whereas our other girlfriend and I were very excited for the wine tasting–I mean it was all you can
drink taste for $10!–J* cooly sipped her one glass all evening long. I could see the bored look in J*’s eyes as she scanned the room and counted down the hours until she could go home to her pjs and hubby. Then I realized, that in more ways than not, I had been living that exact same life just a year ago. The life that less than a year ago, I walked away from with more conviction and speed than Lindsay Lohan does toward her next DWI. Yet, here I was, in my wine induced stupor, clearly envious of J and her simplistic and satisfied life as a married woman.
So. Here I am. Gone with the old, married, life. But now also in a new relationship. And totally confused. It’s been a solid four months with the new man and I am already antsy with him and our lifestyle. The routine. The obligation. The effort. I already am finding myself (subconsciously) looking at other men as new and potentially better, options, if not just simply as sex objects (hey! women do it too!), all while simultaneously vying for the freedom that comes with singlehood.
How horrible am I? And to what end is this thought pattern? My new squeeze is practically all I could ever ask for in a guy, but here I am. Not satisfied. Looking for more. Wondering what’s on the other side. Craving more time to myself with no restrictions. Being totally honest with myself, means admitting that, right now, I don’t want to worry about a partner, worry about behaving, worry about the future.
This is all fine and good, but it brings forth my biggest question and concern of all--when will I get over this? When will I grow up and evolve enough to be capable of/welcome all that comes with a real relationship? The worrying and caring about someone else; about how my actions affect that one other special person in my life.
Am I even capable of truly loving another?Am I even human?
Where does immaturity end and innate cold heartedness begin?
Why am I so difficult and angry and are they are inherent parts of my personality rather than situational?
Sometimes it feels like this is all part and parcel of growing up. Then, other times, it feels like this is simply selfishness or maybe even a hint of mental illness???
The sad part is, only time will tell. I am in such a mixed up stpot and ambiguous place in my life that there is no way of knowing. Everyone copes with divorce and growing up differently. It wont be until years from now if/when I am stuck in the same spot; same rut; same mental space, that I am now, that we will have to officially call in the professionals.